Being in a relationship is a blessing, but the blessed life can soon have its own challenges.

One big challenge is working out why your partner has certain demands and preferences or what makes them make different choices and decisions from you.

We act according to our feelings and emotions, yet we rarely understand the driving force behind these feelings, emotions and behaviours. The ability to get our innate needs met is fundamental to our wellbeing.

It’s simple to conclude then that if we can communicate our needs to others and understand theirs in return, we would profoundly improve the quality of our relationships and life.

As human beings, we have several needs, including physical, emotional and spiritual. Many of these needs, such as intimacy, respect, validation, recognition, belonging and nurturing, can only be met in relationship with others.

When our needs are met, we feel safe, secure, contented, and valued; when they are not met, we feel neglected, frustrated, anxious, hurt, and isolated.

Wouldn’t it be perfect to have a switch that let you instantly “get” them? Won’t it be amazing if we could instantly work out the real “meaning” behind their actions?

Turns out, there is a way to do that.

According to world renowned motivational speaker and self-help author, Anthony Robbins, “We are all driven by 6 basic human needs which are not just wants and desires but needs that serve as the basis of every choice we make”.

Robbins categorises these into four primary needs of Certainty, Variety, Significance, Love and Connection and, two spiritual needs of Growth and Contribution.

Men and women have different needs. Men being predominately masculine want more significance, variety and growth. Women being more feminine expect more certainty, connection and contribution. The challenge in a relationship is when we differ by how we prioritise these needs – in other words, what’s important for us.

Certainty

The first need of certainty is particularly important for women because we need to feel safe and comfortable in our homes. We need to know that our husbands can provide for us and also protect us from any physical and emotional pain. So, in family disagreements, it’s only natural that we expect our husbands to stand by us. Also, women wish to have a stable life, one without chaos so they can be assured of a long-term security and happiness.

On the other hand, men need to know that their wives are loyal, trustworthy and good housewives. Nonetheless, to be able to provide for their families the best they can, men generally tend to exert a level of control or authority. Too much of control can crush passion and intimacy creating a rift in your relationship.

Variety

It is therefore necessary, to have some variety to add spice to our lives and keep the relationship thriving. People who place variety as their top need love surprises, diversity, excitement and find routine dull and boring.

The need to have choices to do different things makes us feel alive and engaged. We all need change from time to time and perhaps taking up new hobbies, learning something new, going for movie nights, holidays or interacting socially makes life interesting, nourishing and enjoyable.

The two core needs of certainty and variety are like two sides of the same coin and when recognised, thoughtfully communicated and met, life blossoms and love flourishes

Significance and Growth

And beyond that, we also need to know that we are important and special as who we are and what we do in life. The need for significance and growth is very high in men because traditionally, their role is that of a breadwinner. They devote great amount of time and energy in pursuing professional, financial and intellectual successes. The more success and the more money a man seeks, the more important their need for significance and growth. If they can provide for their families well, their self-esteem, self-confidence and self-achievement boosts. When men allow these needs to engulf them, they could appear egoists and arrogant.

Love and Connection

On the other hand, women feel special when they are appreciated, given attention, valued and loved. Even though women focus on their careers and desire to be successful in life too, in reality, nothing makes a woman feel more exquisite than being truly appreciated and loved. Therefore, love and connection is the underlying factor in everything women invariably do and want.  In relationships, women are the ones desiring romance and intimacy to feel sensual, beautiful and wholesome. Lack of romance, intimacy, love and connection is the main reason why relationships break up these days.

Contribution

Contribution is about one’s desire to serve others in our community and in the world. Women are natural in giving more freely than receiving. They have this inherent tendency to care and nurture and they will go to great extents to provide for others beyond self.

They will not hesitate to push boundaries and break down barriers to reach out. Women therefore continue to playing a big role in health and community services industries.

Life can become quite challenging and frustrating when two partners are unaware or unwilling to accommodate each other’s needs. It is vital for long-lasting and happy relationships that each one identifies, accepts and respects the other person’s needs.

This will bring inner joy, contentment thus allowing us to live more freely and passionately.

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Your Turn

How are you going with your relationship with your partner? Are you in a loving and lasting relationship? Share your thoughts below.

If you wish to discover your top core needs and how they may be affecting your love life, contact me for a 30-min complimentary chat today.